god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
