I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
