This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
