wat bout pragnant strippers??
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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