Are we in a gay sports bar?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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