Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
