if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize