Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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