So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
