i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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