Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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