I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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