My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
