There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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