You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
