I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
a search helicopter?!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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