i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just puked most of my soul out..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
