Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
