New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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