I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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