My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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