Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
