I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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