I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
