nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
