Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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