Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
