I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
