my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
