dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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