I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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