How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
