I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
