He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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