im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
