Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
