You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
