Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
