it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
