just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
