If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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