And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
