i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
