Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
