Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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