You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
