I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
