Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
