so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
