I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
