Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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