good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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