why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
