three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
is that a dick in a sweater?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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